Being Grateful

Lately I've had a hard time. Mostly with tolerating my children. What a horrid thing to say, that I tolerate them. Most days I have moments where I just want to scream (though I try very hard not to!). I often look around at the other mom's around me and think "what is wrong with me? why don't I have as much fun with my kids as they do?" or sometimes in frustrated moments I slip into the whole "what is wrong with my kids?" thinking that is so desperately unfair to them. I expect too much.
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There is a saying somewhere that I once heard about putting someone on a pedestal. That when you put people on a pedestal the only thing for them to do is fall. I believe I do this with my own children.
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I need a vacation, that goes without saying, but I realized something today...

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I need to change my perspective. Instead of trying so hard to make them conform and be what I want them to be (which I myself would TOTALLY rebel against). I have been totally oblivious to the fact that Heavenly Father doesn't force us to do anything. I need to figure out a way to lead my children to do what is needed.

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But before I can do that I need to learn to truly appreciate them. How do I go about doing this without having to have something horrible or truly dramatic and painful happen? I am bound and determined to change my attitude. I recognize now that the problem is not with motherhood, the world around me, or my children.
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The problem is ME!
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So tonight I'm going to start by writing on my mirror in my bathroom in big dry erase marker letters "How would I feel without Them" to remind me that many mothers would give anything to have their children around to whine, to fight, to talk back, and be generally disagreeable. Mothers who have lost children to accidents, or to a spouse who was unwilling to "work things out". Mothers who have disabled children who will never be able to have the ability to hit their little sister or scream at their older brother. Women who are unable to have there own children and who simple cherish the thought of being called "Mommy" even if it is yelled through a closed door at 3 am in the morning.
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Even though I have a difficult time being grateful for my kids on a day to day basis, I realize when put to it that I love them with all that I am. All my life I have always wanted to be a mother. And I never regret that decision. I cannot see myself ever choosing a career over raising my children. In my mind it is equivalent to handing them over for someone else to raise. Given the choice I would gladly step in front of a Mac truck for any one of them, and I'm not just talking about to save their lives, I mean even just to better their lives. If my dieing would in return give them a fulfilling existence I'd do it. I would be devastated if I were to loose a child, have one of my children permanently injured in some way, or even have them make ghasty mistakes that would cause them pain in the future. So before the time comes that they can make those errors I WILL do all I can to change myself to be the best mother that I can be.
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So tomorrow is the day. It's going to be the first day that I truly try not only to have patience with my kids. not only to tolerate them, but to be grateful for them. To realize that after doing all I can do, I need to trust them, and I need to trust in Him that it will be enough.