Body Image and Motherhood.

All my life I always felt like I was never cute enough, skinny enough, in shape enough, ... I never had the "right" body type. Somehow I was never "good" enough ... physically that is. Mentally I was usually pretty good. But every time a guy I liked would end up dating one of my good friends I would look at myself and think ... "well... DUH! She's cute!"

I know that sounds bad. Very degrading. Really. And that is what it was.

Degrading.

Thing is, I didn't come up with that on my own. Media shoved it down my throat since the time I was old enough to remember.

I think the only time I really felt good in my body was when I was in college. I finally decided the world could take a flying leap if they didn't think I was cute... or they didn't think I looked good. Cause gosh DARN IT!!!! I thought I was cute. And frankly, that was all that mattered.

So what that the boys at Ricks didn't pursue me. They were immature and always seamed to chase the floozy girls anyways ... you know, the girls that toyed with them, or the girls that were easy to get to make out with.

Now I'm NOT implying that ALL of the girls that dated at Ricks were that way... I'm not even implying that most of the girls were that way. It just seamed to me at the time that that was all the boys were interested in. And I decided I didn't want a guy like that anyways.

Soon afterwords I met Jer. :D

I remember coming home the night I met him and telling my mom "I'm NOT introducing him to my girlfriends till he has made his decision on ME! If he decides he isn't interested in me... so be it, then he can date my friends!"

Well, as you know... the rest is history. Turns out he liked me a LOT. Enough to marry me a couple of months later. It was fast, but so meant to be. And I felt attractive and downright sexy.

Fast Forward

Now I'm the mother of 3 beautiful children and expecting our fourth. And can I say... my body is NOTHING like what it used to be. While looking at this site today it really struck home. (be warned this site contains nudity though, in my opinion, it is not pornographic)

While pregnant and with child I think "I'll start exercising once I'm done with this pregnancy and I'll get back in shape" ... then the baby hits, and the only exercising that is conducive with a young baby is taking walks with the stroller... then add the other kids and it's a bit overwhelming. I want to be a good example for my kids... but I like things like weightlifting and bike riding, and those are hard to do with a young child (or young children) and no money. Besides the fact that even if I DO get back in shape... my body will never be what it once was. that's right. never.

I will always have my stretch marks even if they fade to silver. My boobs will never be quite so perky again. My legs will always have those spots where I can see the veins. And my hands are starting to have places where the veins poke up.

But you know? I've decided that society is warped. Some of these "marks of motherhood" are downright beautiful. Stretchmarks look like flames. And those poky upy veins on my hands? they remind me of my own mothers hands that cared for me so well as a child. Those veins I remember playing with, and pushing down on when I sat for long lengths of time next to mom and she would put her hand on my knee. Those veins? They mean comfort. They mean love.

These are things that I gave gotten by thinking of more than myself and what my body looks like. These I got by choosing to be a mother. I got them because I have these wonderful blessings called children. Why should these things be looked at with disgust and shame? They show sacrifice. They show thinking beyond ones self.

They are badges of honor.