Do you ever feel out of place?

I don't mean "Mormon at a strip club" our of place. I mean in a place where ideally you should be perfectly comfortable.

I had loads of these experiences in high school. You know. That awkward "not comfortable in your own skin" feeling that every normal teen feels on a regular basis. When you wonder why on earth you ended up in a given place at a given time cause, gosh darn it, it doesn't feel like it would make any difference to anyone there if you weren't there.

Sometimes it's purely teenage hormones, sometimes it the fact that that one kid kinda treats you like they think you are dumb or not as good as they are.

Since I went to college these experiences dramatically dropped. Probably due to the fact that I realized that it didn't matter how hard I tried there was no way that everyone was going to love, LOVE, LOVE me. As much as I always wanted to be that person that people come to the party to hang out with, that the party just isn't the same without... That person, that life of the party? Just isn't the person who I am. And by college I'd come to terms with this to some extent. Though I still escaped to my parents house every weekend to "do laundry" (and for those of you that know Jer and I's personal joke about "doing laundry" I'm NOT talking about that... get your minds out of the gutter!!!! I was a pretty good kid and I knew what not to mess around with ... THANK GOODNESS!).

Mainly the reason I would go to my parents house was because I always felt wanted there, greatly missed when I wasn't around, and greatly appreciated whenever I did something for someone else. I always felt that the things I did were noticed, even when nobody said anything about them. In fact it was a common thing for me to try to do nice things and hope that nobody knew it was me that did them (which is really hard when you are the only kid left in the house!)

As I got older and got married and had my kids I became less and less concerned about being in the "IN" crowd. I was too busy. Once in a while Jer and I will notice the way someone behaves towards us... such as the neighbor who can't tolerate us, but has to be civil because their spouse would be mortified if they weren't. Or the fact that a certain group of people never acknowledges us. But for the most part, we don't let it effect us too much. Again, we are too busy worrying about our kids and whatnot to worry about how to get in with the "in" crowd. Besides the fact that fake people bug the crap out of me... and to be part of the "in" crowd I would in essence have to BE fake. Not really myself. I would be disgusted with myself. And in the end that would be more harmful that not being a part of the "in" crowd. For the most part I keep myself out of situations where I would feel unwanted or out of place, as it were. I try VERY hard not to insert myself where I am unwanted.

So this last weekend I had the rare occurrence of actually feeling out of place when I don't think I should have. Who knows it may have been hormones... I mean this morning I DID get sick with morning sickness... and isn't' that caused by hormones?!

As I stood there, in that place that I was at, I thought... "Why am I here?". Well, I had good reasons to be there. I try very hard to be a good friend even if there is never an occasion for the favor to be returned. And trying to be a good friend is the reason I was where I was. The interesting thing was though... that the person I came for was not the person/people that made me feel out of place. The thing that made me feel the most out of place? The fact that one or two of the 30 some-odd people at this event seamed to have it in there mind that I was below them.

Do people not realize how obvious it is when you try to pretend to be interested in someone, especially someone you really have no connection with? I personally would rather be ignored. Then at least I can save us all the discomfort and quietly excuse myself and either go find someone there who really wants to talk to me, or go home to my loving hubby and adoring kidlets.

Why is it that every once in a while Heavenly Father decides that we need a time warp and need to remember how it feels to be a misfit. Maybe it's to insight gratitude for all that we have. For all those moments when we feel perfectly at home. Perfectly loved. Perfectly wanted and needed. And perfectly normal. With of course those few quirks that make those you love raise their eyebrow and think "that was such a (insert name here) thing to do!" with a smile on their lips.