---WARNING: VERY LONG POST---
I know when I was young my family didn't go to church.I remember when we lived in Utah there were times my parents would throw parties with their friends at our house and we were supposed to stay in our rooms... preferably asleep. I had the feeling there was alcohol around. It wasn't a big deal. It's just what was.
When I was 8 I remember my parents asking if I wanted to be baptized. I said yes. I don't remember why. I do know that I was adamant about my dad being the one to do it. I remember being insistent, even when he tried to persuade me to let the bishop do it. I waited six months for my dad to be able to do it, and he did. Then life went on.
I always wondered why my friends couldn't play on Sunday. I remember my mom telling me that it was my choice if I wanted to play on Sunday or not.
I loved waking up to the smell of coffee. It smelled so good.
I remember going boating on the weekends. I can't remember what part of the weekend it was, it didn't matter. I was with family, and we were having fun and being the way a family should be.
I could always tell when one of the leaders at church told the other kids to "bring a friend" to church with them. That was the only time religion was ever brought up to me by the other kids. There were some kids that would only invite me to do anything during one of those times. I hated feeling like a service project.
When I was 13 I got tired of feeling like everyone else knew the bible stories when I didn't. I had a vague idea about Noah and the Ark, and Jonah and the Whale... but no knowledge about the specifics of those stories. I decided it was time that I knew them. So I started to read the bible. I never did get all the way through it. I think I got through Exodus and gave up. I've never gotten all the way through the bible.
I took a trip to visit an aunt for a couple of weeks. It was fun, it was nice to go to church and have no one really know that I was "inactive"... to just be seen as one of the girls. To be included. I remember the lesson was on the tools of the devil. I found it intriguing.
When I came home my parents had gotten and new car (a purple one!). They had also started to go back to church. They invited me to come along. I did.
When they got sealed in the temple I went with them.
I got my patriarchal blessing.
When my sister married her husband in the temple I got special permission to be there so that when my parents were sealed to her, I could be too.
I went to seminary.
I remember being frustrated when my two closest girlfriends were invited to be on the seminary council but I wasn't. I remember not understanding. How could people that played with others emotions so much be selected, but someone like me, who tried (but often failed) to do right by others was overlooked?
I graduated from seminary.
I went to Rick's college. It was close to home. I didn't want to be all that far from my parents, they were my very best friends throughout high school and sustained me when I was desperately hurting. I didn't want to risk being so far from home that I couldn't access such a safe place easily. It was a good thing. I needed them often. My mom stopped going to church. I didn't think all that much about it. I knew I was tired of the rules at Ricks and the fact that I had no guys interested in me. Ricks had more rules than my parents did for me when I was living at home. What was the point of having more rules if all the guys were interested in the girls that played with their emotions.
I got my associates degree. I decided to "take a break" from school. My mom probably knew I wouldn't go back any time soon. At the time I was considering going on a mission, I think because I really didn't know what else to do with myself. I wasn't married, I didn't have a boyfriend or anyone even interested that I could tell. As far as what the Church was telling me ... that left a mission.
I filled out my papers. I told my whole family I was going.
But I didn't. Instead, I met Jer and got married. (Luckily he was the right guy, I have never regretted marrying him!)
I too got married in the temple. About a year later I was pregnant with our first child.
It's interesting. Looking back at my life, I can't tell my reasons for becoming active in church, besides an attitude of "I might as well". I thought in high school I had a testimony. I don't think I did. I think I sometimes became emotional about church related things, but much of that might have been the fact that I was a teenager and full of hormones. I went to a Church college, I told myself it wasn't to find a husband, but I picked a "fluff" major that wouldn't get me far in the world. I didn't really know what I was truly interested in. The Church doesn't emphasize that for girls. I had lots of things I liked to do, but hadn't ever really thought I would have to support myself. It turns out I never really did have to support myself. I regret not getting a better education while I had the opportunity. This isn't the Churches fault, but they didn't help much here either.
I was content doing what the Church told me to for a while. I was irritated by small things, or what I thought were small things. I was frustrated that many of the women that surrounded me seemed like sheeple, seeming only doing things because that is what they were told to, while many of the guys seemed uncomfortable being my friend because of possible assumptions other people would make. I realized after a while I was frustrated with myself for being a sheeple. I started trying to be and do more that was ME. This is where I'm at.
In the end I don't know if I ever really made a conscious effort to "become active" in church. I was already baptized so there was no defining moment. I don't know if I did it because it was easy, because it was popular, or because it was right. Or all of the above. I don't know. I don't remember much of my thoughts at the time.
So now I'm left with these questions. Why am I here? Why do I stay? Do I stay because I was raised in the Church or do I stay because it would cause some problems with family (namely my in-laws, most of my family is inactive again.) or do I stay because of something else? Why do I stay when I perceive such inequality between the ways girls and boys are treated within the Church, why to I strive to go to Church and get frustrated with things like hearing that Adam was coerced into eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge (that wasn't by a teacher BTW, a class member. I addressed that assumption quickly). Why do I go when I worry it will teach Missy that she is only good to be a follower and a supporter. I want her to be the leader that I know her personality leans towards. I worry that the Church will harm my kids more than it will help them on so many levels. I worry that it will teach my boys that girls aren't as good as boys. What other assumption is a young boy to come to... "why can't girls pass the sacrament?" there is no answer... they are left to make one up for themselves. The most easily accessible is that of girls not being good enough. This breaks my heart.
There are some beautiful things that the Church teaches too. That there is a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother. That we can become like them. That Jesus suffered so that we could live. That the Godhead is three separate units in one. That we can all go back to live with them again.
Is it enough? Is it enough for this life? Is it only this life that the things I have issues with will be in? How can I make it through this life being a "faithful" member of a church that inadvertently teaches such inequality between the sexes? They say the two are equal, yet their actions seem to say differently. Isn't it "by their fruits ye shall know them"? I keep telling myself that my church is actually pretty advanced in this area as far as Christian churches go... it does, after all acknowledge the existence of a Heavenly Mother... which most don't. I go to Church hoping I'm not scarring my children, yet when I stay home I worry about the same thing.
In the end. I just don't know.
9 comments:
Warning: this is long, too.
No one can hand you a testimony. You have to find it yourself through study and prayer. If you're confused about an issue, the best person to ask is the one who loves you the most - Heavenly Father. In the end, it doesn't matter what others think, or how others act. What matters is what YOU KNOW, through the Holy Ghost. It's the only way you won't be shaken into doubt or discontent, even when others make you want to doubt or feel uncomfortable. Where others stand in the Church, or out of it, won't affect where you stand. You can find answers for your kids' questions (and your own) in the words of the prophets. In the scriptures. In your own answers to prayer. Not just in Sunday school. That's what is so wonderful. We don't need to rely on others, whose opinions change according to the times. We can rely on the constantcy of our Heavenly Father. What is a church that needs to tweak or change its doctrine according to what imperfect people think? Church is meant to teach us the doctrine and the principles Heavenly Father needs us to live by, to make it back to Him. We are responsible to make sure our own lives are in accordance with what we KNOW is true. Do you really want to know? Ask. How others choose to act or live won't matter once you know.
Wow, just lay it all out there April! Okay, so with the majority of your readers being LDS, I'll keep my comment pretty general so as not to offend anyone.
Some people go to church because it's all they've ever known. Some go because of family. Some go because of faith. You fall into one of those categories and I'm not going to try and guess which one, but know that you are not alone.
For me, I was baptised LDS to fit in. I had just moved from Colorado, where I had never heard of Mormons, to Idaho where it was so prevalent. Everyone wanted to know when I would get baptised. It was a lot of pressure. So I got baptised and because of that, more kids accepted me. Cool.
I began to question a lot of the things that you question about the church. For me, the answers weren't satisfactory enough. Then I found Jesus. Yes, I left the LDS church and it was hard only because some members insisted on making it hard on me. Some people decided that I was suddenly evil and not worth their time. That's their sin to deal with, but I am not angry or hurt by it because I know that Jesus died for them too.
The point is that you need to find out truth on your own. Pray, do some research, it's okay to question. God wants you to question. How are you ever supposed to build faith if you don't seriously question the hardest things?
My little Allie just turned 8 on Tuesday. You can only imagine the kind of pressure she's feeling from her classmates about being baptised. I visited her at lunch yesterday and a classmate asked her if she had made the decision to get baptised. She got a letter from a classmate on Tuesday saying, "I hope you've made the decision to be baptised." My sweet little girl just smiles and says that when she's ready, she'll make the choice on her own. I'm so grateful that she is strong enough to understand where the LDS kids are coming from and still stand strong in her own faith.
Anyway, it's hard when you have questions and I know the fear that surrounds the questioning.
You said you've never made it all the way through the Bible. I want to make a suggestion that some people might not be happy with, but here it is... try a NIV Bible. It's written in more modern day language. It was translated by over a hundred scholars working from the best available Hebrew, Aramic and Greek texts. It's endorsed by leaders from many denominations. It's much easier to read and you'll find that the messages sink deeper into your heart and understanding.
Lastly, I know I said this in another post, but seriously, Adam was not coerced into eating the fruit. He was with Eve when she ate it. He had a choice to stop her and he didn't. :) So there.
April, it's awesome that you're wanting to understand where your faith stands. I applaud you. I will be praying for you to find the answers that you're looking for. And I'm sorry ahead of time if I offended anyone.
Tandee- I know these answers have to come on their own. And believe it or not, I've been praying on this for a long time. I get a few answers here and there but not on the whole ball of wax, in a matter of speaking. It's difficult to know what to do as a parent when I am given so little personal direction.
The Church does change. If it is the "True Church" it is as God sees fit to change it. I've seen it happen in tiny steps, within the last couple of years the wording in the temple was changed, women have been allowed to give closing prayer in sacrament meetings etc. I know that before I was born there were some pretty huge changes, those included race being taken into consideration with regard to the Priesthood and the practice of polygamy being retracted.
The leadership of the Church at this point are human, and so I expect there to be human error involved. I feel that God leads it to some extent, He is perfect, his children are not. If they refuse to see something or to ask for answers on something (this includes the Church Presidency) it is not because He is fallible, I do firmly believe that He will not usually force things on people who does not want to hear it though.
Loni- I don't think you would have offended anyone :) You are very genuine in your words and anyone who finds offense with that is looking to be offended.
I know I'm not alone... though sometimes the facades people put up make it difficult not to feel that way. Somehow everyone thinks it best to only let those around them think they are perfect... this handicaps not only them, but those around them.
I know there is a HUGE push within the LDS church (I don't know about others church because I have never been a part of one) for women (and often men) to hold their tongues when their faith is wavering or they don't understand something. Often because it is seen as not "sustaining their leaders"... something that is greatly looked down upon culturally.
I think I may attend some other congregations to see what I think for a while. I figure if the LDS Church IS true there should be no harm in this. When has seeking knowledge and truth ever been a bad thing?
Again... I don't know. I'm just exhausted by the stress and trauma of not knowing. Honestly, if I'm not going to get an answer ever, why stay where I feel so much stress?
Here is some food for thought:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=f18427cd3f37b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
I don't know how to create a link in a comment, so you'll have to copy and paste. It's a talk by Boyd K. Packer. Here are some highlights:
"While fathers and sons bear the burden of the priesthood, it was declared in the very beginning that it was not good for man to be alone. A companion, or “helpmeet,” was given him. The word meet means equal. Man and woman, together, were not to be alone. Together they constituted a fountain of life....The limitation of priesthood responsibilities to men is a tribute to the incomparable place of women in the plan of salvation.
"Men and women have complementary, not competing, responsibilities. There is difference but not inequity. Intelligence and talent favor both of them. But in the woman’s part, she is not just equal to man; she is superior!
"...And blessings bestowed impartially upon man and woman alike include:
—Baptism;
—The gift of the Holy Ghost;
—The testimony of Jesus;
—Personal revelation;
—The ministry of angels;
—The responsibility to teach, to testify, to exhort, to edify and to comfort;
—The faith to be healed;
—And many other spiritual gifts.
All under a uniform standard for worthiness. And the highest ordinances in the House of the Lord they receive together and equally or not at all!
"...Have we not been told that “the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness” and that “no power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned”? (D&C 121:36, 41.)
"Ought not those virtues by which the priesthood must govern apply first and always to our wives and children, to our families?...
"It was not meant that the woman alone accommodate herself to the priesthood duties of her husband or her sons. She is of course to sustain and support and encourage them.
"Holders of the priesthood, in turn, must accommodate themselves to the needs and responsibilities of the wife and mother. Her physical and emotional and intellectual and cultural well-being and her spiritual development must stand first among his priesthood duties."
Also, a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley: "Woman is God’s supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.
Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth."
Another article link: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=8365f3782aef3110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
And one more, by Gordon B. Hinckley (I couldn't pick out highlights from this one; the whole thing is so great): http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=f5b5a7b37c11c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
Anyway, just food for thought.
I think the only answer to the question, "Why do I stay?" should be, "Because I wholeheartedly believe in it." It shouldn't ever be, "Because I want my kids to fit in," or "Because of the pressure of the culture in which I live." Though I understand that the pressures inherent in our culture are probably huge. Like the whole mission thing. I turned 21, didn't have a boyfriend. But I prayed and knew it wasn't right for me to go on a mission. People were bombarding me about that: "Do you have a boyfriend? No? Then why aren't you on a mission? What are you going to DO???" But I knew what was right for me, and I followed that path.
Pray, explore, think, meditate. Then go with what your heart tells you. I'm your friend no matter what you decide.
April, I realize that I am one of your "closest girlfriends" who got called to seminary council when you didn't even though I "played with others emotions so much".
I recognize that in HS I did do things that were sometimes self-centered but I did not do things to intentionally hurt others or "play with emotions". I'm really sorry that you felt left out or confused about those choices. I know that we were not asked to be on the seminary council because we were better than other people. There are other friends at that time who were not selected that I know were very mature and perfectly capable to be on seminary council, including you. I'm sorry if I did anything that made you feel left out or that I was better than you for some reason. I never thought that I was better than others because I was on SC.
I hope that you can forgive me of anything I did or said (or didn't) that may have hurt you at that time and trust me that I did not do it on purpose. I think you are a wonderful person who I am glad to call my friend. I hope you still consider me one of your "best girlfriends".
With that being said, I would also like to comment about knowing whether the church is true or not. I know my testimony began when I read the Book of Mormon for the first time and prayed about. Reading the Book of Mormon and praying have been the things that have kept my testimony alive. Through all the trials and questions that I have had in my life, consistently reading the Book of Mormon has kept me knowing that the church is true. Because if the Book of Mormon is true itself than the church is true as well. I know it is.
I hope that you can find the answers you are looking for and have peace that comes through being settled in your religious decisions. I know God will answer you when you seek to know what He wants you to do. It sometimes takes time to find the answers or know for certain.
Ahren, I wasn't trying to be mean, it was simply my perception at the time. We were all dumb teenagers and we all made mistakes. High school is hard for EVERYONE. I understand that people have all grown since then, I don't think the things you or I or anyone else did in HS reflect on their nature today. I'm sorry if the comment hurt you or if I did anything stupid back then that hurt you either.
As far as a testimony goes, I'm doing my best and biding my time. I know that if God wants me to stay, then at some point he will let me know... can't really act on any personal revelation until I receive it. KWIM? All I can do until then is do the best I can :)
Wow! I don't comment a on people's blogs as often as I would like...just for time sake, but I do love to read and keep updated:) This post really hit me. I think that everyone at one time in their lives has questioned what they at one point beleived to be true..this is religious or otherwise. The older I get the more things I look back on and think "man I did not know a thing!" Our perspective changes, life experiences and maturity change how we feel and see things. Anyway, I think that it is human nature to question, and as your friend stated it is good to question I think that is where faith grows. It is hard when all the answers don't come at once this is where I have always had a hard time..it is hard to get answers to prayers and like you said it takes lots of time. I know that just as Heavenly Father uses our questions to help our faith grow, Satan uses our questions to confuse, frustrate, and anger us. We have all felt that, this world is full of trials and stress:( I know it will come for you if you keep searching and praying..keep it up even when it feels like you are getting no where. I know that this doesn't help a ton, but I think that everyone to some extent can feel with you. Remember that people are human and we all make mistakes, like all the other posts said try to separate people from doctrine. If I was the only example of the LDS faith it would not be good, so I know members and non members of our church can be really bad examples of what each of us beleives. I hope that the confusion breaks and that you can get the peace the spirit will provide, best of luck!
Memory is an interesting thing. It changes over time. We might want to further explore some of our past shared history in person some day, just to compare notes. Perhaps, now that you have a more mature viewpoint you might better understand the what's and why's of various life events.
The bible says that we must each work out our own salvation with fear and trembling before the Lord. It sounds as if your personal quest has begun in earnest. You have my support and best wishes for a satisfactory resolution. It will take time, though, as growth often does. God will assist you in your struggle to learn your own truth. Keep these lines of communication (prayer and inspiration) open.
On a more pragmatic note, try not to burn any bridges if you can help it. You may need to cross them again (maybe several times) on your long journey of self discovery.
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