Met With the Trainer This Morning...

and all we did was go over stats.... boring...

I was hoping we would work my butt off and get a good whiny "I'm so picked on" post in today, but alas we had to go over asinine crap important numbers... like, ohhh my current weight and what my BMI is etc etc. While I know that the information is needed, I have the drive to get in shape NOW, and honestly I'm worried that the lazy more relaxed me will grab me by the throat and say "WTH!" overcome my drive to change.

I have gone to work out four days this week at O'darkthirty in the morning (you know, before Goober has to get up for school) which in turn makes me get in bed earlier... It's actually really nice. No, really, it's nice. I have a whole hour to work on ME... without being pestered for anything. It's amazing :) And I get to watch the news, which is almost nirvana for me, since I'm kind of a news junky.

In the past I have made working out to be such a huge deal in my head, such torture, that I talk myself out of doing it. Besides who needs to be in shape anyways? Well, unless you want to be happier, be able to keep up with your kids, be more confident, and feel good about yourself that is...

So apparently next Tuesday is when I get my butt worked off.... hopefully :) Until then I'll get my lazy bum out of bed early and spend time with my new best friend... ice cream the eliptical.... oooooooo ahhhhhhhh

The nature of God in relation to women.

Soooo... on a religious note...

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and have pondered a few things that have some effect on my view of religion. What that effect is, has yet to be known. A big part of that is the nature of God (what better place to start?) and the idea of the Devine Feminine.

First off, I do not feel that as a women I am any less or any more than any man in God's eyes simply because I am a woman. If I were it would be inherently unjust and if God is unjust he simply cannot be God etc etc etc. That being said, apples and oranges and all that jazz. I understand that men and women are different and hard to compare...  they are very unique. Though I don't think it's hard to tell when a person or an organization has a preference for one over the other.

I feel that if God is in fact male he needs to have a female counterpart to allow him to understand his female creations. How else would an exclusively male god empathize with childbirth or the emotional struggle that many women have when they cannot carry a child to term? I have to keep in mind that the term "God" is not a gendered term, it is a station that does not indicate gender. Much like "teacher" or "CEO". For this reason when I am asked to pray in public I refer to my god as simply "God" to acknowledge that many in attendance may view God as male, but also to not feel as though I'm being untrue to myself in referring to God in the exclusively male form.

As an LDS person I have been taught predominately to pray and think of God as a male ie "Heavenly Father" ... I don't think it could get much clearer! :) But it is considered part of the LDS faith that we have a female part to our "eternal family" if you will. I think that many downplay this within the Faith. In fact I was saddened by the limited acknowledgment of Her in the new Gospel Principles handbook, especially in regard to the lesson titled "Our Eternal Family". In reading it I felt as though the majority of the lesson was about a single father. Yes, I will acknowledge that it did say "heavenly parents" twice so she wasn't completely excluded. i'm thankful for that. At other times I have noticed that within the limited acknowledgment that is within the Church this divine feminine is not capitalized ei Heavenly Father and heavenly mother. I don't know if this is just a holdover from the past ie polygamy and the acceptance of many wives, or if it is an oversight. (I hope for the later, I admittedly have issues with the concept of Polygamy but that is a whole other post in itself )

Anyhow, I found an article recently that absolutely enthralled me. It is written from an LDS perspective and takes into account Hebrew translations of the bible etc... and it also comes at the idea from a scholarly angle, which I appreciate, but often goes above my head! So if you are interested here is a link to it.

I will be healthy... I WILL... ummm hopefully

Ok, so over the weekend I got myself a gym membership. Mostly because I have no room in our abode to put a treadmill. But I figured if I was getting a gym membership I might as well make SURE this works. Soooooo I got myself some training sessions too.

Ok, the things about this is... what time during the day works best? I mean, really? If I didn't have the kids to worry about I would do it in the morning about mmmm nine-ish. But that doesn't work cause Jer isn't home and Missy is quite often still in bed. So... that makes me have to choose morning or evening. Cause lets face it, I'm not a huge fan of dishing out money so someone can watch my kids while I exercise.

So, I thought... evening!  That will work! Then I remembered last time....

I kept exercising nightly for .... ummm.... all of about a day. Ya. Sad.

Sooooo that leaves morning. I was already getting up at 6:45 to get a shower and Goober up and off for school... so that means I'll have to get up EARLIER. Training sessions take about an hour, I can have Jer get Goober up, but Jer also needs to get ready for the day.... So that means I have to be AT the gym at 6am. SIX. Which means actually getting up at about 5:45. Which in turn means I have to go to bed earlier.

I aimed for 9pm bedtime last night. Aimed being a good word because I actually GOT to bed at about 10 - 10:30 cause Jer and I started talking religion at about 9ish. lol. Well.... 10 is better than 11 or 12... right?

My alarm went off this morning and I very nearly turned it off. Then I thought... "Pay for a sitter or get up now?" Ya... get up now won. Don't ask me how. lol.

So this morning I exercised for an hour, came home got a shower, got Goobers lunch made and him sent out the door, all while talking "Feminism" with Jer before tell him he was going to be late for work and shoving him towards his car.

Not a bad start for the day. :) I actually already feel the difference.... isn't that odd? I don't know why I make exercising out to be such a beast... it's not so bad. Weeeeeeeeeellll... I guess I will REALLY know if it's bad or not come Friday and my first training session. But until then, high hopes! :)

Must. Go. Shopping.

Ok, I don't know about you... but as I take care of my kids and all the miriad of other things a mom does I tend to forget that sometimes I need things too.

It has been a long time since I actually went shopping with the intent of getting clothes for ME. Not the kids, not Jer, not quickly grabbing something that will "do". Actually actively shopping for cute stuff for ME.

Now I find myself in a bind. I look in my closet and think... "Meh. Nothing cute." I have things that have potential to be cute but many of them don't fit quite right because a) I grabbed them and didn't try them on in the store because my kids were with me and Me in a Dressing Room + Kids is not a fun picture... or b) I'm overweight. And then there is the issue that the few things I thought were cute got worn all the time and aren't cute anymore due to a) being worn out or b) being out of style.

... and then there is the added problem of cost. Cute clothes are expensive. Especially when your size lands right between "regular size" and "plus size" ... I feel lucky to find something that fits... let alone fits right.

So there is the problem all laid out.

My question... how do I fix it without breaking the bank... because seriously? I could chuck most of the clothes in my closet and SOOOOO not miss them...

Unfortunately, that would leave me NEKED.

My Husband is better than YOURS! HA!

Ok... so maybe he is just what is best for me!

Jer and I got married quick... and young... and we are DANG lucky to have gotten it right! We picked the right people to marry. US! :)

I'm so glad I have him... he is a huge dork, which I love! He is cheesy and corny and always has me rolling my eyes and saying "You're funny..." He likes to take things people say in the way they didn't intend it just to throw them for a loop, makes me think and use my brain.

He cooks, he cleans, he changes diapers, he hugs me and pretends (really well, I might add) that I still have the body I had when we got married. He has good discussions with me about the pros and cons of things, understands when I don't agree with him, has never EVER called me names (nor have I ever done that... character assassination is simply not allowed in our house).

What I find most amazing is that he's even okay with me going to other churches and checking them out... he doesn't see it as an affront to him, he understands that some things have to be learned on ones own....and this from a man that has spent his whole life as an active member of one church.

Our marriage is based upon love, trust, and respect. I have never doubted his love for me, have always trusted him... even to the extent that if something seemed suspicious I would always give him the benefit of the doubt. He always tells me things he fears might look bad before I ever have an opportunity to ask. We respect each others opinions and ideas and understand we are individuals working together, not working to become each other.

I love this man, and wouldn't trade him if my life depended on it.

Angela's Awesome Enchiladas

Got this recipe from Allrecipes.com I think it turned out great. Haven't met anyone who doesn't like them yet... and I've fed them to the missionaries (3 young men admittedly from the US) and the extended family. :)

Ingredients:
2 lbs skinless, boneless chicken breast meat - cut into chunks.
1 (10.75 ounces) can condensed cream of chicken soup
1 & 1/4 cups sour cream
1/4 tsp chili powder
1 Tbsp butter
1 small onion, chopped
1 (4 ounce) can chopped green chilies, drained
1 (1.25 ounce) package mild taco seasoning mix
1 bunch green onions, chopped, divided
1 cup water
1 tsp lime juice
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp garlic powder
5 (12 inch) flour tortillas
3 cups Cheddar cheese, shredded, divided
1 (10 ounce) can enchilada sauce
1 (6 ounce) can sliced black olives

a) Place Chicken in a large pot and add water to cover. Bring to a boil over high heat, then reduce the heat to medium-low, cover, and simmer until chicken pieces are no longer pink, about 10 minutes. Shred chicken by placing two forks back to back and pulling meat apart (or by putting in the Cuisinart lol) Set the shredded chicken aside. Meanwhile, combine the cream of chicken soup, sour cream, and chili powder in a saucepan. Bring to a simmer over low heat, stirring occasionally, then turn off the heat and cover to keep warm.
b) Heat Butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in the onion; cook and stir until the onion has softened and turned translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the shredded chicken, chopped green chilies, taco seasoning, half of the bunch of chopped green onion, and water. Allow to simmer for 10 minutes. Stir in the lime juice, onion powder, and garlic powder; simmer for an additional 10 minutes.
c) Preheat over to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Stir 1 cup of the soup mixture into the skillet with the chicken mixture. Spread the remaining soup mixture on the bottom of a 9x13 inch baking dish.
d) Fill each tortilla with chicken mixture. Sprinkle Cheddar cheese over the chicken filling before folding the tortillas, reserving half of the shredded cheese for topping the enchiladas. Fold tortillas over the filling and place seam-side down in the prepared pan.
e) Pour enchilada sauce evenly over the enchiladas. Cover with the remaining 1 1/2 cups of cheddar cheese. Sprinkle the reserved chopped green onions and the sliced olives on top of the cheese. Bake in the preheated oven until filling is heated through and the cheese is melted and bubbling, about 25 minutes.

ENJOY!

Why do I stay?

---WARNING: VERY LONG POST---

I know when I was young my family didn't go to church.

I remember when we lived in Utah there were times my parents would throw parties with their friends at our house and we were supposed to stay in our rooms... preferably asleep. I had the feeling there was alcohol around. It wasn't a big deal. It's just what was.

When I was 8 I remember my parents asking if I wanted to be baptized. I said yes. I don't remember why. I do know that I was adamant about my dad being the one to do it. I remember being insistent, even when he tried to persuade me to let the bishop do it. I waited six months for my dad to be able to do it, and he did. Then life went on.

I always wondered why my friends couldn't play on Sunday. I remember my mom telling me that it was my choice if I wanted to play on Sunday or not.

I loved waking up to the smell of coffee. It smelled so good.

I remember going boating on the weekends. I can't remember what part of the weekend it was, it didn't matter. I was with family, and we were having fun and being the way a family should be.

I could always tell when one of the leaders at church told the other kids to "bring a friend" to church with them. That was the only time religion was ever brought up to me by the other kids. There were some kids that would only invite me to do anything during one of those times. I hated feeling like a service project.

When I was 13 I got tired of feeling like everyone else knew the bible stories when I didn't. I had a vague idea about Noah and the Ark, and Jonah and the Whale... but no knowledge about the specifics of those stories. I decided it was time that I knew them. So I started to read the bible. I never did get all the way through it. I think I got through Exodus and gave up. I've never gotten all the way through the bible.

I took a trip to visit an aunt for a couple of weeks. It was fun, it was nice to go to church and have no one really know that I was "inactive"... to just be seen as one of the girls. To be included. I remember the lesson was on the tools of the devil. I found it intriguing.

When I came home my parents had gotten and new car (a purple one!). They had also started to go back to church. They invited me to come along. I did.

When they got sealed in the temple I went with them.

I got my patriarchal blessing.

When my sister married her husband in the temple I got special permission to be there so that when my parents were sealed to her, I could be too.

I went to seminary.

I remember being frustrated when my two closest girlfriends were invited to be on the seminary council but I wasn't. I remember not understanding. How could people that played with others emotions so much be selected, but someone like me, who tried (but often failed) to do right by others was overlooked?

I graduated from seminary.

I went to Rick's college. It was close to home. I didn't want to be all that far from my parents, they were my very best friends throughout high school and sustained me when I was desperately hurting. I didn't want to risk being so far from home that I couldn't access such a safe place easily. It was a good thing. I needed them often. My mom stopped going to church. I didn't think all that much about it. I knew I was tired of the rules at Ricks and the fact that I had no guys interested in me. Ricks had more rules than my parents did for me when I was living at home. What was the point of having more rules if all the guys were interested in the girls that played with their emotions.

I got my associates degree. I decided to "take a break" from school. My mom probably knew I wouldn't go back any time soon. At the time I was considering going on a mission, I think because I really didn't know what else to do with myself. I wasn't married, I didn't have a boyfriend or anyone even interested that I could tell. As far as what the Church was telling me ... that left a mission.

I filled out my papers. I told my whole family I was going.

But I didn't. Instead, I met Jer and got married. (Luckily he was the right guy, I have never regretted marrying him!)

I too got married in the temple. About a year later I was pregnant with our first child.

It's interesting. Looking back at my life, I can't tell my reasons for becoming active in church, besides an attitude of "I might as well". I thought in high school I had a testimony. I don't think I did. I think I sometimes became emotional about church related things, but much of that might have been the fact that I was a teenager and full of hormones. I went to a Church college, I told myself it wasn't to find a husband, but I picked a "fluff" major that wouldn't get me far in the world. I didn't really know what I was truly interested in. The Church doesn't emphasize that for girls. I had lots of things I liked to do, but hadn't ever really thought I would have to support myself. It turns out I never really did have to support myself. I regret not getting a better education while I had the opportunity. This isn't the Churches fault, but they didn't help much here either.

I was content doing what the Church told me to for a while. I was irritated by small things, or what I thought were small things. I was frustrated that many of the women that surrounded me seemed like sheeple, seeming only doing things because that is what they were told to, while many of the guys seemed uncomfortable being my friend because of possible assumptions other people would make. I realized after a while I was frustrated with myself for being a sheeple. I started trying to be and do more that was ME. This is where I'm at.

In the end I don't know if I ever really made a conscious effort to "become active" in church. I was already baptized so there was no defining moment. I don't know if I did it because it was easy, because it was popular, or because it was right. Or all of the above. I don't know. I don't remember much of my thoughts at the time.

So now I'm left with these questions. Why am I here? Why do I stay? Do I stay because I was raised in the Church or do I stay because it would cause some problems with family (namely my in-laws, most of my family is inactive again.) or do I stay because of something else? Why do I stay when I perceive such inequality between the ways girls and boys are treated within the Church, why to I strive to go to Church and get frustrated with things like hearing that Adam was coerced into eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge (that wasn't by a teacher BTW, a class member. I addressed that assumption quickly). Why do I go when I worry it will teach Missy that she is only good to be a follower and a supporter. I want her to be the leader that I know her personality leans towards. I worry that the Church will harm my kids more than it will help them on so many levels. I worry that it will teach my boys that girls aren't as good as boys. What other assumption is a young boy to come to... "why can't girls pass the sacrament?" there is no answer... they are left to make one up for themselves. The most easily accessible is that of girls not being good enough. This breaks my heart.

There are some beautiful things that the Church teaches too. That there is a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother. That we can become like them. That Jesus suffered so that we could live. That the Godhead is three separate units in one. That we can all go back to live with them again.

Is it enough? Is it enough for this life? Is it only this life that the things I have issues with will be in? How can I make it through this life being a "faithful" member of a church that inadvertently teaches such inequality between the sexes? They say the two are equal, yet their actions seem to say differently. Isn't it "by their fruits ye shall know them"? I keep telling myself that my church is actually pretty advanced in this area as far as Christian churches go... it does, after all acknowledge the existence of a Heavenly Mother... which most don't. I go to Church hoping I'm not scarring my children, yet when I stay home I worry about the same thing.

In the end. I just don't know.