Okay, so I have a dilemma...
When I was in college I had quite a few sets of roommates, not because I didn't get a long with people, but because I felt it was a good opportunity for change and a good way to meet new people. During the two and a half years I was there I had four sets of roommates, which I was totally okay with.
There was one set of roommates that I would term my "best" roommates, in that I got along fairly well with all of them. They were pretty neat girls. Though, I will admit, that I was always one to be over sensitive about being left out of things... so instead of being left out, often times I would take off for the weekend to do laundry at my parents house (kind of a preemptive "I won't be around to be left out" kind of thing... looking back I maybe should have acted differently, I don't know honestly)
Well, this set of roommates tries to get together about every four years or so. It's kinda neat. Last time we spent a weekend near park city, just the six of us girls... well, except the baby one of the girls brought along. It was a nice get away (though -- I admit -- I felt fat the whole time, that's what happens when you go four years without seeing people and you are one of two people that have gained weight, and the heaviest one by far. This was nobody's fault but my own though! Yup, blaming self there). Everyone was pretty agreeable, and I never felt outcast in any way.
Alas it's been four years again and I recently received an email mentioning another "roomie reunion". My dilemma is this: I seldom hear from these ladies except when one of these "reunions" comes up... I don't know if I should take that as an indication that they really aren't too interested in me or just that they have their own lives to lead and it doesn't occur to them (see, still haven't gotten rid of that overly sensitive to being left out thing... have a feeling I will be struggling with that for the rest of my life...). That by itself isn't a big problem but it also seems that there is a desire to have it only be the "girls" again and most of the ladies have never met my husband and most certainly do not know my children. Besides, we excluded the guys and kids last time and there was mention of sometime doing something with all of them (or at least a lunch or something with all of them) so we could meet each others families. Together these two things (no contact and no family) start to be a problem for me.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm a total spoil sport, that I'm a big party-pooper, but really... it does appear that these people don't really want to know or understand me (or each other, unless they have been in constant contact over the last four years and have all met each others husbands and families...). Yes, I'm much more than just a mother and a wife, I hate it when people assume that there is not more to me... but my husband is my best friend on the entire planet (I honestly don't know how I could handle life without him), and I would give my life for any one of my kids to have the opportunity to become all that they want to be in this life, get that -- give my life for their opportunity. I'm not saying that this isn't also the case with many of these girls... I just don't really know how I can really know them, or they me, without us at least meeting (or having the opportunity to meet) the most important parts of our lives.
Maybe they just need a weekend off from being mom and wife. I understand that. Hell, at the end of May Jer and I are taking off for a week sans kids because I almost went insane this winter because of the overwhelming feeling of loosing my identity. There has to be time to be "ME" in any persons life, but does it have to be an occasion that happens only once every four years? Last time I honestly considered not going because I wouldn't have my greatest emotional support in the world there with me (yup, that's Jer -- just knowing he is around helps me to be, well, more ME! Especially the current me). I think I'd be okay without the kids... then again, atm I'm a little OD ed on them... I would LOVE to meet the other girls husbands and families though!!!
This time, I don't know if I will go or not, I honestly don't know if it will make much of a difference to them or not if I am actually there. I mean, sure, anyone would say "Ohhhh, I'm so sad you aren't coming!" or "We really missed you!" but sometimes it's really hard to tell if that is just being kind aka not rude, or if it's honestly the truth. Besides... I have no idea if I will even be able to hold a conversation with these girls... I have, after all, gone a bit "apostate" and would most likely no longer agree with any of them politically, I still hate scrap booking, and I have this newly discovered feminist streak in me... then there is the old "I'm going to get left out" ailment...
PS I know a couple of them have been to my blog before (I don't know if they check it anymore) but just in case, my intention is not to offend or accuse anyone of anything or to hurt anyones feelings, just to try to hash it out to see more clearly where I stand on the whole thing. Okay, butt sufficiently covered.
7 comments:
If it were me, I would just go, because, chances are these girls are wanting to just get together to reminisce (sp?) about old college times together, and actually want to see each other without having to be distracted by kids or whatever. But I guess it just depends on how you feel about them and how much you want to get away and/or see them. OR, you could suggest inviting kids and hubbies, too, and if they put the kibosh on that, but you wouldn't want to go without Jer, then just don't go. Really, though, it's up to you and how you are feeling.
I can completely relate. You sound a lot like me. Yet, if I offered up an argument like this to my family, they would point out, the gate swings both ways. YOU could just as easily contact them as they could you during the four years. But like you also pointed out, people are busy. YOU are busy. It's not that they don't care even a tiny bit about you, it's that their days are filled with constant go-go-go busyness of motherhood. As are yours. I think it's like Nat said, perhaps they like getting together to reminisce. And in college, you didn't have a hubby and kids. However, since these two factors are a HUGE part of my life, I would feel the same.
Why not just ask them about it? Maybe they never considered it and would actually enjoy getting to meet and get to know the husbands and kids.
Nikki
Nat and I were talking about feeling "lost" lately, too. Like, I can no longer say, "I'm a dancer," because I haven't danced in ten years. I used to have all of these hobbies, but now I don't have time to do any hobbies. And that makes me really sad.
But anyways, about your dilemma - I know what you mean about wondering if you should go. If you haven't had any contact in four years, I think it would be weird. I don't know. I can see getting together if you've all been in contact. But if you haven't, then it's obvious that everyone has gotten too busy or whatever. And don't worry about having been left out. Chances are that nobody has kept in touch. But I understand the over-sensitivity thing. I'm very oversensitive about stuff like that, too.
I LOVE your scrapbooking comment :D
My "two-cents": it is good to expand social comfort zones. I would consider going, FORGETTING about myself, and focusing on them. How are they? Where has life taken them? What are their opinions on things? Then I'd just sit back and listen. Plus, listeners rarely get left out.
You might enjoy yourself, you might not, but I feel that getting to know people is never time wasted.
I would say go. I think you'd probably end up having a great time. And maybe bring up the idea that you'd like to do a family thing again.
As for the no-contact thing, I'm one of those people who is guilty of that. I'm just not a call-every-day or make-a-huge-effort kind of friend. And I don't think that means I'm a lousy friend, or that I exclude people. It just means I'm okay with that level of friendship.
As for political things - I have to ask - are you a Democrat-in-hiding? Because I may like you even more now...
"are you a Democrat-in-hiding?"
Weeeeellll.... Republicans seem to assume as much, but then again Democrats seem to label me "conservative" so I guess somewhere in the middle lol I used to be a stanch Republican, but can no longer agree with much they do.
I'm deemed "evil" by both sides of the isle. :) which I guess isn't a bad place to be, I don't know which I lean towards more, I'm kinda ticked at both of them at the moment lol
Oh, I'm so there. I agree with some issues from both sides. But I disagree with a lot from both sides, too. Alaska is such a conservative state, though, it feels like everyone assumes that everyone else is Republican. During the 2008 election, I absolutely refused to talk politics with 98% of the people I knew. Do you think they'd kick me out of the state if they knew I'd voted for Ralph Nader...?
Right now I'm just fed up with Republicans, I guess. I hate the fact that because I'm Mormon, I'm "supposed to" like people like Mitt Romney. Blech.
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