So last night Jer and I were playing W.O.W., as we often do in the evenings, when the doorbell rang. I didn't hear it (note to self, get a doorbell thing for downstairs!) but Jer did.
I opened the door to a man that I recognized from the ward. I didn't remember his name (and honestly still don't!) but he had a plate of cookies and no coat. So I invited him in... cause DANG it is cold outside now!
He came in and talking to Jer and I for a while and in the end asked if Jer would be a home teacher... to which Jer happily accepted. After talking for a while longer the man asked if we could say a prayer. Both Jer and I consented.
Then something was said that I have to admit, in the past I would not have given a second thought about. However that was not the case last night. Our visitor then stated "Jer, since you're the boss of the house, why don't you go ahead."
Boss.... hmmm
Then Jer started to say the prayer and I could barely pay attention to it, musing over if I should or should not speak up about the term "boss" and if so, how could I do it in a tactful way.
Jer and I work as a team. Neither one, nor the other, is any better or any more in charge than the other. I could have easily written off the statement if he had used "Priesthood leader, or Man of the house" because even though I see small injustices with those terms too, I understand that as part of the LDS culture and church that the Priesthood is recognized as only being held by the husband in the relationship of marriage.
As far as the term "Boss" goes though... I actually see myself as filling those shoes the most. I am, I will admit, the bossiest person in our house. I'm constantly telling the kids what to do (or not do) and notifying Jer of appointments or responsibilities or chores that the him and I need to be doing.
Granted, Jer brings in the funds to keep our family running, he helps with putting kids to bed and changing diapers when he is home, he often times cooks, etc etc etc... he does a ton of stuff! So considering all of this, I still don't think that our house has a "boss".
A Partnership, yes... but no soul proprietorship here. Thanks anyways, I like to be acknowledged for what I'm worth and how much I contribute to our house.
You might ask if I ever spoke up.... well, no. I didn't.
I ended up staying in my conundrum until well after our guest left our home. I didn't say anything about it. In fact I'm still in it. I didn't even mention to Jer how much that rubbed me wrong, I don't know if he noticed it or not...
It's a little thing I guess... or is it?
10 comments:
That would have bugged me, too. The term "boss." Not cool.
I know I am the boss in our family and by that I mean, I'm the smarter one in this marriage. that is not a joke either, but I recognize my husband as the head of the household and treat him as the king of our family in public and in private ALMOST all the time because he is the Priesthood holder. My husband just converted 3 years ago, so I recognize his Priesthood as the power to lead, heal and bless our home.
I like the fact that when it comes to the MAJOR decisions, my husband relies on me for the smarter and wiser answers for our family. There's mutual respect between us, so I don't care what an outsider or a ward member calls it. WE are fine with our life no matter how people perceive us. Hope that helps a bit.
May
ya understood, same here.
I guess it's the feminist in me, but I just hate the perception that men are somehow better than women. And though I love the church dearly I severely struggle with the inequalities between the genders that (though the church says men and women are equal) are allowed to be just looked over. If only on the cultural level. Know what I mean? I know the man didn't mean any harm by it. But often things are harmful to others even if it doesn't occur to those doing the harm.
It's kinda like the term that many teens use today... "That's so gay!" meaning that something is stupid. Granted I think that the teens using it rarely intend for it to be a homophobic term, even though that is what it is, at it's core.
You know, the scritures say that we should not be "unequally yoked". That's why there's the priesthood. How else are they going to "rise up to meet us". Having the priesthood means having to serve. Would men serve otherwise? I don't know.
I think men have to work hard to keep up with us (and the priesthood helps with that by making them provide service), and we have to be patient with their efforts (slows us down a bit), but that's how we manage to work together and be "equally yoked".
As for dumb male comments, they're just dumb male comments.
I think Heavenly Father knows His daughters well, knows what we are capable of, is hoping we will "get it" with regards to the responsibilities He gives to the men through the priesthood so that they can be worthy of us. Cause really, what would we need them for if we had it too.
So, they have to step up, and we have to be patient. Equally hard for both of us.
Don't sweat what you think other people think about you, especially those at church, just be you. Heavenly Father loves variety, you are probably one of his favorite daughers because you have a PERSONALITY and can keep him entertained. It's all between you and Heavenly Father anyway. He's who matters. He made you, He knew what he was doing.
If you want to talk more about this, call me! I so miss you.
Heidi S.
357-8912
Sometimes I think that the Lord gave men the priesthood because they need the extra help to stay on the straight and narrow. I don't mean to disrespect any specific man, but I think it is harder for them. Lincoln has often told me that in the Celestial Kingdom there will be more women than men because women are just more open to the Spirit naturally. As for the priesthood, I have never envied holding it. I feel like I have plenty of responsibilities as it is. I am grateful to support my good husband in his role.
BTW, if someone called Lincoln "the boss" I would just have to laugh because he and I both know that I am the boss!
Of course it's a little thing. Don't let it bug you. It's just the term he used. He wasn't trying to offend. He was there to be a good neighbor, and dwelling on a word he misused ruins the whole spirit of his visit. Just be glad for a good neighbor who wanted to visit (without a coat on a freezing night, even). That's better to dwell on.
As for men vs. women, I think that's a cultural thing, not a church thing. Heavenly Father created us to be different on purpose, with different responsiblilities, not "better vs. inferior" traits. People in the church tend to perceive those differences as strengths or weaknesses because of our American culture. Our CULTURE tells us that men are "superior", not the Church.
hmmmmm. Envious of holding the Priesthood. That is something to think about. I wouldn't say I'm envious. I'd just say I'm downright confused! lol I won't go into it. It is a bit in depth. :D
Solid Waste: Steer excrement!
Aprillium, I think you did a great job outlining the reasons this term was unjustly used. Based upon all of them you had a right to be offended. Further, I enjoyed your acknowledgements of his kind actions. Thereby, presenting the whole situation for the readers objective judgement. I love you, sis and I'm always impressed with how well you and Jer work TOGETHER as a TEAM. Note: larger teams sometimes, if they are fortunate to have good enough players, have two captians which switch out during the game.
Kisses and Hugs,
I don't think that the gentleman who visited you meant anything by what he said. I am sure most of us have said something that others have taken to mean something more or different than what we meant.
I also feel that if we want equality between men and women than we (as women) need to be careful to avoid the other side of inequality by saying that we are better/smarter/more righteous than men whenever the topic is discussed. We are different. We were designed to work together in harmony. We are on the same team not competing to see who is more important or better.
I'm sure you've heard the phrase "the church is perfect, but the people aren't." I think that if taken the right way this viewpoint can help when other people's actions/words or other things don't sound right to us. Probably because they aren't right and are not church doctrine. I feel that's one of the reasons why we meet together each Sunday to discuss the gospel together. To help each other fine tune our understanding of what Heavenly Father really meant by what He has given us.
I do know that Heavenly Father does not favor his sons over his daughters or the other way either.
It sounds like you and Jer have a great relationship and really think about the choices you make. Just remember to be patient with others because of their imperfections (i.e. the man who made the comment) because as some point in life it might be you that needs that patience with something you have said.
I guess I should have clarified that "having patience" doesn't mean to not speak up when we don't agree. I think that is the only way we will see a difference in the attitudes in our culture if we politely express our point of view.
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