Assumptions.

Isn't it interesting the assumptions that people make about others.

I find it amusing that ever since I started dying my hair punk colors teenagers now gravitate towards me... :)

Ever since I started wearing dangly earrings regularly people think I'm always put together... *snicker*

Ever since I started to exercise people think I eat right... MWHAHAHAHA

and ever since I became open about my lack of belief some people think that I'm not as worthwhile or as good of a person as I used to be ...

or at least they stopped trying as hard to hide how they felt.

That one is actually really, really sad and quite hurtful.

Really great thought

I came across this comment on a blog I occasionally check. I thought it was very true and needed to be shared... so I'm sharing it!

"People pull each other to respond in ways they find predictable. We all see through a lens that is based on answers to basic questions such as “Can I trust other people?” “Am I worthy of the care or attention of others?” and “Do I have something to say / Am I capable?” If someone has generally negative answers to those questions (often due to poor parenting) they will pull others to respond to them in ways that confirm those answers… The challenge for the rest of us, and the “really hard question” is to recognize this and NOT respond the way they are pulling us to. As one author put it, we need to “give better back” rather than just reacting."

I currently am in amazement as to what people sometime project onto others. Things like "I can't trust you" really become "I can't trust myself" and sends a huge warning sign to everyone around them that everyone else probably shouldn't trust them either.

Anyways, interesting... and I thought I would share. :)

Relationships

I think I expect too much out of life sometimes. Mostly out of relationships. I can only think of maybe three relationships in my life that I'm satisfied with, and when I say satified I mean I don't think they could be better and if they do get better I would be pleasantly surprised.

My number one relationship is with Jer. Which is as it should be. I truly do think that we are two sides of the same coin. We rarely argue, and when we do it's usually because something is frustrating one or the other of us that has little to do with the person we are arguing with. ie I may be frustrated with the kids one day and Jer comes home and says something that usually wouldn't bug me, but because I'm already frustrated I let it bug me and off we go from there. He's an awesome dad and a wonderful husband. I could go on and on, but I won't cause that isn't what this post is about! :) The point is, our relationship is awesome and I don't think I could have found anyone who could truly "get" me as much as he does! Relationship with my hubby? A++

The second one is my relationship with my parents. Mom and I exercise together most mornings and often times my parents will drop by my house to see the kids and visit... usually about once every two weeks or so. My dad is more quiet and he works so getting together with him is a little harder simply because his schedule is a little less adjustable, but when I do get a chance to "hang out" with him I always enjoy it and he usually gets my mind running about one thing or another that I hadn't thought of before. Relationship with my parents? A++

The third relationship that I have that I'm quit satisfied with is that of my BFF Erika. I've known her forever and honestly she is probably closer to me than my own siblings. This is probably due to the rocks and roadblocks that have occurred within my relationships with my sisters. I would love to be close to them and I really try not to hold grudges, but past hurts sometimes still hurt. Erika and I can go for almost any length of time without talking and just pick up the phone and call, no reason, just to chit chat... and it's like we just talked last week... 'cept there's more things that have happened so therefore more things to talk about! We definitely see differently on a ton of things, but it makes for great conversations and not a dull moment :) And her family is way cute and she married a good guy... so what's not to love!? Relationship with Erika? A++

Besides that, like I said earlier, I think my expectations are too high. I hear about family that are waaaaay close. Sisters and bothers that talk to each other daily or cousins that hang out with each other all the time, and quiet frankly I'm jealous. I wish I had those too. But maybe those are the only close relationships that those people have. Maybe most people only have 2 or 3 A++ relationships? I'm not sure really. Would you say that is true?

I look around me and think "Man, wouldn't it be nice if ... " I was closer to my siblings, or I had a cousin I could talk to, or even an aunt. A grandparent? Someone who lives nearby? I get lonely to think there are so few people who really "get" me. Am I really so hard to "get"? Or do I unknowingly shut people out? I really don't try to.

Admittedly I know I rub some people the wrong way. If people are too much "black/white" or "right/wrong" thinkers I have a hard time with them. I try not to, but my world is full of grays... so it seems that they always want to lump me into one extreme or another, and I don't fit well in either group, and get irritated when people try to force me into one. Then again tolerance is something that I find indispensable.

Or maybe I'm just being too self analyzing... how many close relationships do you have?

Just a snippet

Okay, so lately I have a lot going on in this brain of mine, even though it may seem like I'm a bit quiet. The thing is, I don't really know what to type here.

First off, I really don't want to offend people with my religious issues. Secondly, I really don't want to cause other people to have the same issues. It's really hard to have your whole world view turned upside down and have very few people you feel you can talk to honestly about it. I get really tired of editing myself so that people don't think I'm attacking their religion. I'm not attacking it, I'm struggling with how people can truly think that not asking questions is what God would want.

As my status update on Facebook this morning said : "gets rather tired of people questioning my faith in God, I have faith in God, I do not, however, have faith in man when he claims to do things in God's name. Things that are harmful to others..."

I think that one of my friends said it right when he said that the same people who insist on unquestioning loyalty are the same ones who would  "probably mock Muslims for blindingly believing their Mullahs, or those who follow Jim Jones. Blind obedience only for *our* religious leaders, eh?"

People in general seem to think that the rules should apply for everyone except themselves of course.

I have other things that I would like to talk about as well, but honestly the circumstances are too specific to the situation and the people involved for me to feel good about going into much detail for fear of revealing too much. Suffice it to say, I really hate it when people are passive aggressive and I hate it even more when they involve children in it all. Sad thing is, most people who are passive aggressive don't realize that they are doing it until someone calls them on it. And honestly, calling someone on it takes some real guts. Then one of two things happen, either a) they apologize and realize what they did - or at least that it could be taken offensively, or b) they get really pissed off and become worse. Rarely are they willing to talk it through.

I am worried about my kids future, not because I think the world is a bad place, but more because I think that power hungry people (ie politicians) are selling them short and jeopardizing the possibility of them being able to grow up and feel content with the country that they live in. People who want power really shouldn't be in any position of power. Most people don't want to hear about those concerns too much though... mainly because they are depressing and because I can't see any real solution to them.

This summer is going alright though... the weather has been nice, not too hot and not too rainy. Perfect for the kids to go outside and play in the sprinklers, but not melt after they come inside! There is so much that I want to do with my kids this summer, but it seems that even though we made the same amount of money last year... this year it doesn't seem to stretch as far, which really sucks.

I'm aware that this post may seem depressing, honestly I'm not depressed though. I'm more melancholy than anything, kind of resigned to the fact that right now, this is how things are, and that not much is going to change any time soon. Well, at least I hope nothing changes for the worse... I hope for the best but try to be emotionally prepared for the worst. Life isn't bad right now by any means! I'm pretty content with things, really. I just wish sometimes I could find a snippet of that ideal world that I have floating around in my head. You know, the place where everything works as it should, people have what they need, and everyone not only has the ability to be compassionate and empathetic... but uses it.

I think I must be missing something....

Last night I went to a board meeting for my kids soon to be new school. It was very interesting and answered a lot of questions I had. I'm excited to see how they do with the Montessori teaching method.

As the meeting went on someone asked the board members why they were in the position they were, basically what qualifications they had. It was interesting to listen to many of them list degrees and past jobs etc. There were also two new board members voted in, one of whom I know from high school. The one I know is currently working on his PHD and already has a MBA and a Masters in something else.

He is my age. Literally graduated the same year I did.

As I look around at the people that surround me in life I start to realize I have about zero qualifications to make it in the "real world". Sure, I have an associates degree.... but it's in "Floral Design Management". If that isn't a "fluff degree" I don't know what is. I have worked as an office assistant ie "gopher girl", as a florist, and as an order filler for a local music company. If someone was looking for a leader in any way I would probably be the last on their list by the look of my resume.

Maybe if I had worked on college when Jer and I were newly wed... maybe if I had let Jer be the stay-at-home dad instead of me staying home. I know he would have been awesome. I'm starting to think that many of my choices when I was younger were just plain dumb... and not only that, I think they took away opportunities for both Jer and I in this life.

I would so love to go back to school. I really would. It would be so nice to get a BA and have that sense of accomplishment. Or to learn something really cool in a field that I really enjoy. To be an example to my children of what I want them to be able to be... basically whatever they want to be and not settling for anything.

Now, I'm not saying that I settled on being a stay a home mom. I'm very grateful that I can do that. I wouldn't want anyone but Jer or myself raising our children! It's just that sometimes I wonder if we wouldn't all have been happier if I hadn't just done what my religious culture had told me to. If I had only realized that happiness sometimes requires much more than having children.

I love my children dearly. I also love my dreams and want to see the possibility that some day they might come true. Right now I don't see a way, and that really sucks. How do people DO school, work, and family and actually keep food on the table?

I keep looking around myself and wondering "I must be missing something" and "Am I failing at this?"

Thought for the Day

Women are   Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a   broomstick...

We are flexible like that....

(Thanks for sending this to me Mom, this made me laugh)

PS Happy International Women's Day!!! 

In full disclosure...

I've noticed that a lot of my posts lately have been about pet peeves and things that annoy me. And this from the person that complains that the News media doesn't focus enough on the GOOD stories!

Wow, guess the stress of the season is getting to me, eh? :D

For the record most of the things that I mention that "irritate" me... don't really irritate me that much. Within the week it is history. The fact that I have the time to notice someone throwing crap out their car window etc etc says that I don't have other more pressing problems to focus on. Needless to say, I'm VERY happy about that! I know life can always throw a curve ball at me at any time... and lately I'm glad the only things it's been throwing at me are pillows (as far as problems go... OH CRAP! Please don't let me have just jinxed myself!) and that the only real problem that may cause is me focusing too hard on inconsequential things.

Life is good, I have a warm home with crazy children that are full of personality and spunk. I have a loving husband that puts up with my utter confusion at the moment on the religious front and is willing to listen and let me bounce ideas off of him. Jer has a job. I can't say how thankful I am for that. I know many people without them this holiday season. I have loving family and caring friends and a God that I know is fully aware of me.

I can't ask that life be perfect. Besides the fact that in the important things it pretty much is! I can't ask that people think the way I do, or do things the way I would. How boring would life be if that were the case?! Very, very boring... wow. VERY BORING. And I'm grateful that it's not! Besides, who doesn't love a story about something crazy happening?! :)

Life ISN'T Fair.

Tonight I was done being a mother. done.

Earlier today the power went out. Which means no "shows" for the kids and no computer for me. While I don't mind that so much I do hate not having a distraction while I make them lunch.

EB of course decided he wanted to be held while I made lunch. Which in and of itself isn't so bad, but the fact that I was making PB&J's due to the aforementioned power outage made this near impossible. So whilst I tried to quickly make lunch EB wailed loudly on the bar stool across the counter from me and intermittently would climb down and try to force me into picking him up by standing directly in front of me and hugging my legs. Which in turn slowed down the process of getting things done, inducing more earsplitting vengeance.

Of course once lunch was ready and I was able to sit him on my lap, all was good.

Then there was the usual back and forth of Missy disagreeing loudly with EB even if she has no clue what he is saying. And EB of course restates what he said, but in a louder voice etc etc etc.

This was my day.

Then Goober came home from school and we did homework. I even let him write his spelling words in shaving cream while Missy was downstairs watching Backyardigans (yes the power came back on after lunch).

EB woke up early from his nap.

After a cop out dinner (give me a break! it's THAT time of month and I'm plumb tucker out thankyouvery much) Goober and Missy wanted fruit snacks... to which I said no. They did have a small orange after there dinner. They shouldn't need any more sugar at the moment.

Oh, but heaven forbid that Missy mention she had a fruit snack after lunch today. Oh gads, the world must end! Goober starts boobing about how she got one, and how he should have one too. And how life isn't FAIR. "It's not fair mom!" ... time passes ... "It's not fair!"... and it's STILL not fair.

Enough. I've had enough. Jer warns him that if he mentions it again he is going to bed. I tell him and Missy to start cleaning up the toys. To which he tells me no. GAH!

So I haul him upstairs, change him (not so gently) into his PJ's, toss him into bed, and tell him to have fun with that.

I know some day he will understand. Some day many years from now, when he is grown with children of his own. And when that day comes I'm sure I will miss the days when he was this young. But honestly, right now... I wish I could make him understand that telling a mom that life isn't fair is about as ironic as it gets.

While I believe that in the long run I wouldn't be happier doing anything else but raising my children, lately all I want to do is be me. Selfish me. I want to be able to cook dinner without someone whining at me. I want to be able to buy new clothes for me and not feel guilty that one of my kids might need new socks, or for me to pay for preschool, or some other random thing. I want to be able to go exercise daily without having to pay for daycare or feeling like I'm putting someone out by asking them to watch my kids, or sacrificing time with Jer. I want to be able to sleep in till noon and not worry about if Missy's hair has gotten combed.

No, Life isn't fair.

I know that probably all I need is a vacation. The thing is, Christmas is coming... and family birthdays... and of course all the regular things. No funds for an escape right now. So until I do have some time, and some money I guess I will have to suffice with the fact that things will change.

They always do.

That the kids will grow, that their needs will change, they will learn. Maybe someday soon I will be able to get a nap without having them wake me up every five minutes. And what will seem like such a short amount of time they will be grown and gone. I know that looking back at the six years I have been a mother it really does seem like a short amount of time so I'm sure the rest will fly by too. So, until I have some time to call my own again I will make do. And tomorrow will be another day.

So, just like Goober, I think life might not seem fair.

But maybe in the long run things will even out.

Does Everyone Wonder...

What life might have been like had they taken a different path? Or is this just something I think about from time to time?

Now, Don't get me wrong! My life is great, I have a wonderful loving husband that does far more for me than I do for him (as far as I can see that is!). I have healthy, intelligent, active kids who have no problem with giving mom hugs and kisses and helping out where they can (for the most part, we do have our moments!). Granted life as a stay at home mom can get ruff, and anyone who says otherwise has never done it (at least not for any real length of time).

You see, the monotony is what kills ya as a stay at home parent. Same thing day in and day out. There is the added spice of children's antics and stresses of tantrums, but for the most part it's cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, homework, cooking, mediation, finances, and a couple of other things thrown in here and there. And guess what all of those things have in common? Yup, the job is never really done. In fact they seldom stay done for a 24 hour period of time, and count your blessings if they stay done that long! :)

The thing that keeps me going as a stay at home mom is the fact that I know my children gain so much from it. When they come home from school they can always count on the fact that I will help them with homework and ask them about their day. I can help them with managing bully's or celebrate a lost tooth with them. When they fall off their bikes I'm always around to check if they are okay and to hold them and hug them until they have calmed down, and sometimes slap a band aid or two on if needed. They always have the same rules, they don't have to figure out what rules apply to home and what rules apply to daycare or other places. They also know that mom can come and get them from school if they are sick, or can read to them if they are having a hard day.

Honestly, I had a stay at home mom growing up, and I can't see letting anyone else raise my children except me or Jer.

But I often find myself wondering... where might I be had a chosen a different path. What if, instead of being a "preppy" kid I had chosen to be a bit rebellious. Would I have learned more about how life works or not? Would I be of the religious affiliation that I am. Would I be religious at all. Would I know what it is like to be drunk. Would I have a tattoo. Would I value the gentle qualities of my husband more? Or do I already value them that much? I don't know. Would I be in a stable relationship? Or would I be married to a complete butt head.

What if in college I had chosen to go into law, or medicine, or mechanical engineering, or political science? Would I have been a career woman now with a successful livelihood? Or maybe just another peon at a large corporation. Or even a politician? Would I be married? Because Jer and I met when I was "taking a break" from college for what I thought would be a year. Or would I be married to someone of quality but completely different.

Or maybe I would still be married to Jer but maybe not have had kids as quickly. What if he had finished school. Where would we be then? What if we had chosen to travel the world a little before "settling down", would we have even have children by now. Would we have adopted instead of having our own (like both of us fully expected to do)?

This isn't saying that I would want any of these "other" things. Sometimes I just wonder. And I wonder if other people wonder too.

Summary Of My Life Right Now

I wrote an email to one of my sisters recently and realized that I did an okay job of summing up where I am at in life right now. So here is where I'm at.

My kids and I are pretty good, I think Potty Training is my bane, I'm SO not looking forward to starting The Energizer Bunny. Goober still has issues and still wets the bed fairly often, but where there is history of bed wetting in the family that's no surprise. Missy is a bit better though in this area.

I've been in a bit of a confused state for a while now. I'm truly at odds with my religion in many ways but in others areas I fully believe, Jer on the other hand fully supports the religion though is sympathetic to my frustrations. I have a hard time knowing if I should continue to go to church to save my children from becoming "projects" and socially stigmatized or if I should stop going so that they can learn to think outside of traditional roles. Specifically my daughter whom I want to learn to know how to truly be a leader when the religion seams to scream at girls and women to constantly be a submissive follower. grrrrr.

My social group is a frustration at the moment as well... though there isn't much "drama" (thank goodness) there isn't a whole lot of enthusiasm either. I find that I have one truly good friend that that the rest appear to merely "put up" with me. This is irritating for someone who loves having a lot of people around, loves to people watch, and will forever want to be the center of attention even though I've found my personality is not the type that people are usually drawn to. Mostly people find me a bit loud and opinionated and instead of understanding that I just want to be heard and not that I want them to agree with me all the time, they back away. I never know when I'm over analyzing the social sphere to the point that I'm finding issues that aren't really there.

I hate it when everything hits the fan at once, though I'm glad that I don't have greater issues to deal with and am generally content with life as it is.

So there ya have it.

The Message It Sends

I'm sure all of you at one time or another have been in a group of people and can't get a word in edgewise. Sometimes everyone is talking over each other.

I hate these situations. And I happen to like groups of people in most cases. Granted, not to group of rioting revelers, but still you know what I mean.

I know that most of the time when people talk over each other it's because they don't feel they can get "center stage" any other way. That they are having a hard time being heard. Sometimes the only people heard are the ones talking over everyone else. I find this sad.

Sad mainly because of what it does to those who are being talked over.

It distinctly tells those people "I don't give a flying goats fart about you or what you have to say."

Sorry I've been so quite lately...

I've had a lot on my mind. Not only the day to day stuff, but new exploration on changes in my personal and religious views. My mind has been very busy trying to figure out what these changes mean... if, how, and when they will effect the rest of my life and potentially those around me. Who knows? I certainly don't.

Thanks for the patience.

Loner or Just Normal?

I think I'm odd.

No, I know I'm odd. But I think I may be odd in the friendship arena too.

I can't decide if it's just that I'm standoffish or that I am uninteresting or maybe it is the way I handle people. I think it may be the later. You see... every time I move I loose contact with EVERYONE I lived near. No kidding.

I have a few close friends who follow me through my moves but seldom did they actually live near me beforehand. I think this is due to the fact that I have a hard time telling between acquaintances and friends when they are in really close proximity to me. Mainly cause it's really not a conscious choice of theirs to stay in touch with me or vice verse. So when I move I get caught up in the whole "moving" activity and fail to keep in contact. Then when I finally come out of the "Organize, throw out, where in the world am I going to put THIS!?" mode it has been a while and would be kinda weird for me to out of nowhere call the people who lived near me beforehand. I mean, now I don't have the convenient "Can I borrow an egg" or "I have a question about insert activity already attended here".

I know it would be much easier if those people called me first, cause then I would know they still wanted to be friends, but they seldom do.

Now, I'm not feeling bad for myself here, just self analysing. Do most people stay in contact with people in their old neighborhoods? Am I odd this way or normal? Were they really all acquaintances and nothing to be all analytical over? I dunno.

I think I'm now confused.

Random Deep Thoughts.

A while ago I saw a TV show that really got me thinking.

It was one of those "Discovery Channel" type shows. Kind of a documentary of sorts.

In this instance the topic was that of hermaphoditism.

For those of you that don't know what this word means, it is a word used to discribe those instances when a child is born as neither one gender nor the other.

Sometimes is is called "Masculine Feminization" or some other overly feelingless term.

I have at times reflected on some or the facts that this program brought to light. That some people really aren't born distinctly one gender or ther other (speaking biologically, or course).

I cannot imagine what it must feel like to be one of the people. Or the parent of one of these individuals, who in some cases are forced to have a gender assigned to the child. How in the world could such a large decision be made by parents that are only human?

At times I reflect on this topic and wonder how it connects to homosexuality and/or transgenderism. Is there a connection?

So many people cut this as a black and white statement. You either are a women or a man. End of discussion. The things is, with me at least, this argument always comes back to remind me of that show I saw. If it is so definite, what about those that are born both genders?

There are so many things that define gender. Chromosomes, genitalia, etc etc.

It's something to ponder anyways. And something I have to reconcile with many things.

Do any of you find yourself wondering similar things?

Why I'm So Warped or "I Hurt When You Hurt"

Overall my childhood was a pretty good one. I grew up in a good family with parents who loved me and did what they could for me. I might even say I was spoiled in many ways... Yes, my dear sisters, I admit it! I think most of it came from the fact that my parents were better off by the time I came around and was growing up than they were when my sisters were young. Anyways, to my point. I had a good childhood, but I had my challenges too. Just like every other kid, I guess.

When I was in early elementary I had issues with keeping up with my class, thank goodness I had a wonderful teacher who spotted it and was willing to help me as much as she could. She communicated well with my parents to help them understand what was going on and therefore, when we moved to another school right before my 5Th grade year my mom and dad knew what needed to be done and got the new school to work with me as well. By the time I entered junior high I was caught up and actually ahead in some subjects. Yay for good teachers!

That of course was not the sum total of my hardships. Some of those stay with me to this day, in the back of my mind making me question myself and others, but that is for another day.

You see, when I moved into our new home in the fifth grade I didn't have any friends (like most kids when they move to a new neighborhood and a new school). I of course did my best to make friends quickly so that I wouldn't feel so alone (which by the way is the worst feeling in the whole world in my book). The first kids I met were on the street I lived on. There was only one boy in my grade that lived on our street and you know how elementary school kids feel about the other gender. BLECH! So I made friends with kids younger than me. Two girls in particular. They were pretty fun to play with even if they were two years younger than me... I mean, beggars can't be choosers, eh? At least we had fun.

For a while.

Then one of them decided she didn't like me so much anymore, and when we had been playing happily for a while and the other girl came around she would tell me that she wanted to play with "Anna" alone. (yes I changed her name for those that may know her) Basically she dismissed me. I wasn't wanted around anymore so go home.

I didn't have any other friends yet.

Oh did that hurt.

I can't tell you how badly. There just aren't words to convey how cutting it is to feel unwanted.

My mom did her best to comfort me. She told me I didn't need them anyways. The thing was though... I did. I needed friends. After a while of trying to "just deal with it" and getting hurt over and over again I finally decided that what mom said was true. I didn't need them.

Granted this time in my life passed, I made new friends when school started and went on my merry way (so to speak).

I look back at that time and remember my mom telling me "I hurt when you hurt!" or "this hurts me too" ... as a kid I never really got that. I never really understood until recently.

Actually I never fully understood till this week.

Because this week, my son was excluded. Oh man, does that hurt. But you know what? When I told him "If they don't want to play with you, they aren't your friends. Can you find another friend to play with?"

Guess what?

HE DID.

Body Image and Motherhood.

All my life I always felt like I was never cute enough, skinny enough, in shape enough, ... I never had the "right" body type. Somehow I was never "good" enough ... physically that is. Mentally I was usually pretty good. But every time a guy I liked would end up dating one of my good friends I would look at myself and think ... "well... DUH! She's cute!"

I know that sounds bad. Very degrading. Really. And that is what it was.

Degrading.

Thing is, I didn't come up with that on my own. Media shoved it down my throat since the time I was old enough to remember.

I think the only time I really felt good in my body was when I was in college. I finally decided the world could take a flying leap if they didn't think I was cute... or they didn't think I looked good. Cause gosh DARN IT!!!! I thought I was cute. And frankly, that was all that mattered.

So what that the boys at Ricks didn't pursue me. They were immature and always seamed to chase the floozy girls anyways ... you know, the girls that toyed with them, or the girls that were easy to get to make out with.

Now I'm NOT implying that ALL of the girls that dated at Ricks were that way... I'm not even implying that most of the girls were that way. It just seamed to me at the time that that was all the boys were interested in. And I decided I didn't want a guy like that anyways.

Soon afterwords I met Jer. :D

I remember coming home the night I met him and telling my mom "I'm NOT introducing him to my girlfriends till he has made his decision on ME! If he decides he isn't interested in me... so be it, then he can date my friends!"

Well, as you know... the rest is history. Turns out he liked me a LOT. Enough to marry me a couple of months later. It was fast, but so meant to be. And I felt attractive and downright sexy.

Fast Forward

Now I'm the mother of 3 beautiful children and expecting our fourth. And can I say... my body is NOTHING like what it used to be. While looking at this site today it really struck home. (be warned this site contains nudity though, in my opinion, it is not pornographic)

While pregnant and with child I think "I'll start exercising once I'm done with this pregnancy and I'll get back in shape" ... then the baby hits, and the only exercising that is conducive with a young baby is taking walks with the stroller... then add the other kids and it's a bit overwhelming. I want to be a good example for my kids... but I like things like weightlifting and bike riding, and those are hard to do with a young child (or young children) and no money. Besides the fact that even if I DO get back in shape... my body will never be what it once was. that's right. never.

I will always have my stretch marks even if they fade to silver. My boobs will never be quite so perky again. My legs will always have those spots where I can see the veins. And my hands are starting to have places where the veins poke up.

But you know? I've decided that society is warped. Some of these "marks of motherhood" are downright beautiful. Stretchmarks look like flames. And those poky upy veins on my hands? they remind me of my own mothers hands that cared for me so well as a child. Those veins I remember playing with, and pushing down on when I sat for long lengths of time next to mom and she would put her hand on my knee. Those veins? They mean comfort. They mean love.

These are things that I gave gotten by thinking of more than myself and what my body looks like. These I got by choosing to be a mother. I got them because I have these wonderful blessings called children. Why should these things be looked at with disgust and shame? They show sacrifice. They show thinking beyond ones self.

They are badges of honor.